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Technology and Catholicism

First off, I suppose I should mention that the subject of this post is referring to two different subjects. I’m assuming most of you already surmised this since you already know about the Robo-Pope. Don’t give me that look. Why did you think every pope’s name ends with a version number?

Anyway, the first part of the subject refers to my new iPhone. Yes, I’ve finally given up my telephonic Luddite ways and shelled out some money to Jobs & Co. I’m not really anti-Apple as such, just more anti-AT&T. But my old phone really sucked and I was far enough along into my AT&T plan to where I no longer had to pay full price for one of these little black beauties.

Uh oh. Here come the hits from weird Google searches…

Anyway, the sole reason I bring all of that up is that I’m currently typing all of this on said iPhone. In true geek fashion, I’m doing this with my laptop open on my lap, forgoing its small keys for the iPhone’s miniscule ones. But don’t cry for me, Argentina – I needed to see how this works when I’m laptop-less and I have a nifty little stylus to type with since my fingers are like sausages.

Holy crap – I just published the post and it frickin’ worked! Ain’t technology grand?

Speaking of holy crap, now we get to me griping about Catholics. One moment while I switch to a more rant-friendly keyboard…

Ahhh… almost-human sized keys to clack on. Now where was I? Ah yes – my shrink appointment this morning. Stick with me – I’ll get to the Catholics in the story shortly.

So every Wednesday I have an appointment with my psychologist whose office is next door to a Planned Parenthood. You probably know where I’m going here. Almost every Wednesday, I have to see the same morons picketing the Planned Parenthood and harassing women who are really not in a good mental space to be harassed at that moment. From that sentence and the tags on this post, the quicker of you might have surmised my stance on women’s choice. For the slower ones who haven’t picked up on it, print this out and show it to your priest after Mass and maybe he can explain it to you.

But just to be clear, here’s my official stance on the matter: since I am a man, my opinion doesn’t matter in this matter. As a male, I only have an ancillary involvement with the ramifications of abortion. I’m not the one who would have to go through nine months of watching my body deform and expand (though let’s be honest, I’ve been doing that for years now) with the eventual payoff of having a rather large object pass through a relatively small opening and then deal with all of the mental and emotional baggage that can come with such a huge life decision. On the flip side, I’m also not the one who would have to go to a clinic, walk past these asshole protesters, undergo a surgical procedure and then deal with all of the mental and emotional baggage that can come with such a huge life decision.

Don’t get me wrong – I also see it as the male’s duty to support the woman’s decision fully, whichever way it may go. That does come with some baggage and trauma of its own for us, but we get off pretty easy in that regard by comparison. But since we’re not the ones shouldering the biggest part of the burden, we need to keep our traps shut and let the women do what they want to do with their bodies. Interestingly enough, that automatically puts me in the pro-choice camp.

So the first thing that really pisses me off is people trying to impress their own slanted moral code on others (one of the prime reasons I don’t want anything on the Fox “News” Channel, let alone MSNBC or those other 24 hour “Everything’s an Emergency” networks (a rant for another time)). However, when I see men doing it, it just drives me over the edge. We have no place in this battle, so just sit down and shut up, soldier. Use your energy to go burn books or something.

Anyway, every Wednesday, I have to look at a minimum of two of these fools the whole way down the block. Fortunately, I park on the doc’s side of the block, so I don’t have to walk past them. I wouldn’t want to get any self-righteousness on me (he said self-righteously). But I still have to see their stupid placards (“You can’t be Catholic and be pro-abortion”), their shock photos, their large, rather inappropriate Christ On A Cross&tm; (about shoulder-high) and I still have to hear them yelling at the passing traffic and anyone who happens to walk by or try to pull into the parking lot.

Today, however, was different. No placards. No shouting. No Christ On A Cross&tm;. Just silence and empty sidewalk. Empty, wet, slightly slushy sidewalk. You see, it was about 35 degrees this morning with a snow/slush/rain mixture coming down. Not heavily, but just enough to make things wet. That’s when I realized the hidden truth behind Catholicism: God only wants babies saved when the weather’s nice. Apparently there’s some passage in the Bible that says abortion is okay if the weather’s a little damp and chilly (“And the Lord spaketh: ‘Thou art all my children unless the drizzle gets chilly. After that, you’re all on your own.'”). I mean, I may disagree with their methods, morals, philosophy and way of life, but they could at least show a little devotion to the cause, am I right?

I SO wish I had the day off today, ’cause for the first time in my life, I would have picked up some posterboard and a sharpie and done some picketing. I would GLADLY stand their in the cold wintry mix, holding up my big white signs (“You can’t be Catholic and pro-abortion, unless it’s chilly and something good is on TV.” “The Pope says abortion is okay if it’s a little rainy outside.”), showing the world my big white poster with shocking imagery (Warm Catholics sitting on the couch, eating chocolate and watching Glen Beck) and making sure that my life-size Buddy Christ isn’t getting too wet.

Jesus died for your comfort

Oh, and I’d yell at people too. Oh, how I’d yell.

“YOU’RE MAKING A CHOICE THAT SOME PEOPLE MIGHT NOT AGREE WITH, BUT THEY CAN GO SCREW ‘CAUSE THEY’RE NOT IN YOUR SHOES!”

“BE SURE YOU DON’T FORGET TO GET YOUR PARKING VALIDATED BEFORE YOU LEAVE!”

“YOU CAN’T BRING YOUR CAR INTO THIS DEN OF SIN! THE PARKING LOT IS ALREADY FULL! I DID SEE A COUPLE OF SPOTS OPEN ON THE NEXT STREET OVER! JUST BE SURE TO BRING YOUR UMBRELLA IN CASE THE WEATHER GETS WORSE!”

“I’LL LET THEM KNOW YOU’RE COMING SO YOU WON’T HAVE TO WAIT AS LONG!”

“IF THEY REALLY HAD FAITH IN THEIR CONVICTIONS, THE ANTI-CHOICE PEOPLE WOULD BE HERE RIGHT NOW! LUCKY FOR US, THEY’RE FAIR WEATHER PROTESTERS!”

“IF YOU WOULD LIKE A MINT OR A STICK OF GUM, I THINK I HAVE SOME IN MY BAG HERE!”

Oh man, I am SO going to have to start paying attention to the weatherman so I can take some time off from work…

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