La Vida Perfecto Part 1: The Scene is Set

Here I go, blundering out into the world again, throwing caution and the little voices in my head to the wind.

Welcome to the new site. If you got here through CiMB, I might have already explained the reason for the new look & URL. If you didn’t get here through there, then sit back and get comfortable.

I have a problem with perfectionism. Outsiders (and some insiders) might look at my life and think it’s far from perfect, and I’d be the first to agree. That’s the first level of the problem. While I know intellectually that things, almost by definition, can’t always be perfect, there’s this voice in my head that keeps telling me I should go ahead and try. And if I can’t do something perfectly, what’s the use in doing it, right?

So I wind up in a vicious cycle where I have all of these great ideas, plans and desires, and they’re torpedoed by this stupid little compulsion just because I can’t do everything “just so.” Either that, or to get things “just so” would take so many steps and time that my lazy voice kicks in and gives up.

I wouldn’t say I’ve been in a battle with this all of my life, because it’s only been the past couple of years that I’ve realized this trait. Sure, it’s affected me all of my life, but you’re not in a battle if you don’t know who your opponent is. Especially if you’re not actually fighting it.

So now my enemy has been named and the battle has begun in earnest.This new site is sort of my second attack at the big P. All of these violent metaphors – maybe I need to talk to Dr. B about them next week…

Anyway, if you’re a regular follower of my exploits at Cancer is My Bitch, you’re a little bit of a liar, since I haven’t had a regular exploit over there since late last year. Or you’re one of my devoted fans who goes there each day, hits their refresh button, then sadly slinks back to bed after not seeing a new post from your most beloved cancer personality.

See the kinds of pressures I can put on myself?

Anyway, my perfectionism joined forces with CiMB to kind of silence me on the web and stifle any of my creative efforts. I have big plans for CiMB, but with big plans come long lists of things to do, each with their own list of steps or procedures or the like. So while I might think of something funny or clever to post, I was weighed down by this “But you haven’t done all of this OTHER stuff yet” voice.

So I decided to put CiMB on the backburner officially for a bit and start fresh and clean here at Lethological. CiMB isn’t going away and I’m not giving up on it – not by a long shot. I’ve just got too much stuff in my head right now and half to do an end run around the perfectionism to get it out of there. In a way, this site is a perverse combination of therapy and experimentation, but isn’t that what most blogs are?

Granted, even this idea hasn’t been immune to the Voice of Perfection (heretofore know as “VoP”). I bought this domain back on 4/20. Stop laughing, you stoners. A month later, I finally installed WordPress. And now I’m finally posting something. Sure, I’ve been busy off and on. There’s work, my ukulele playing (more on that in a bit – I told you to get comfortable), various craft sorts of projects, home improvement projects, etc. But I haven’t been doing those 24/7. I’ll think about this site and then I start to think of all the things I need to do to get it going. Not “want to do” but “need to do.” That’s the VoP. When you work through the conversation and lists in the light of day, they initially make sense (“Well sure, you’ve got to install WordPress before you can post something to it”) and steadily grow more unreasonable (“But you’ll need to compose a big post on CiMB to let people know what’s happening. And a FAQ. For both sites. And the new site needs more purple. And you need to redesign to be a portal to the new sites rather than a mirror of CiMB. Maybe you should have a running theme between the sites. Like your photo. Oh, and you need to take some new photos. But you’ll need to cut your hair first. And you’ll probably take the photos in the basement, so you’d better clear out a space. And you know, you’ve been needing to organize the tools down there for a long time. Since you’re cleaning things, you might as well take care of that too. But you still need more places to store the tools you have so that you can have them properly organized. You should go to Lowe’s and see what kind of tool storage ideas you can come up with.”).

And that’s how I go from seeing something funny on TV I want to tell people about and wind up in the middle of Lowe’s with a lost expression on my face.